Ageless Love

“I was single for some time but I finally found love, and even though I’m 17 years older than him, our relationship blossoms more and more every day. Sometimes I worry and feel ashamed about our age difference but he comforts me and tells me not to worry about what others think and that I should instead focus on how he feels about me. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I feel the same, though I’m scared of how society will react if we decide to get married,” Julian says.

Like Julian, many old women are defying society stereotypes and are dating much younger men. But despite the society perceptions, older women commonly known as 'cougars' are getting into relationships with much younger men.

So, why do older women go for men young enough to date their daughters? And do the men genuinely love these women or are there benefits that come with dating older women? 

According to Joyce Kirabo who works with the Rwanda Education Board as a counselor and mentor, some young men are materialistic and financially strained, so they look out for older women who are already financially stable and can provide for them.

However, she warns that such relationships usually end in a bad way. She cautions old women to avoid going into relationships with young boys. 

“Women should have some dignity and conduct themselves in a manner that will not compel society to judge them.” 

Jackline Iribagiza a counselor based at Martyrs Secondary School, Remera also warns that many of such relationships are based on lust or materialistic needs. But she is quick to add that a few might be a result of true love. 

“Sometimes young men prefer relationships with older women because they are caring, settled and trustworthy, things that come with maturity. A young man can see something unique in a woman twice his age and decide to be with her and there is nothing wrong with that,” Iribagiza says.

Iribagiza believes that if two people are in love and decide to get married regardless of their age difference,it shouldn’t be a problem. It could be true love because love has no boundaries,” Iribagiza adds.

But for 42-year-old Daisy (not real name) her experience is not something one would wish for. Her relationship came to an end when her 24-year-old boyfriend introduced her to his parents. Humiliation had never been so strong, she says.

“I heard his mum argue with him outside about throwing his life away to an old woman. She asked him what had possessed him into dating a woman just seconds away from menopause. She didn’t even care that I could hear them,” says Daisy.

At some point, she says, she stormed out and grabbed the next motorbike home. When her boyfriend came over to check on her, his endless struggle to reassure her that he didn’t care what his mum said fell on deaf ears. 

“I just couldn’t go on with it. It was bad enough that all the time we’d been dating, his friends still hadn’t come to terms with our relationship. I wasn’t going to subject myself to torture from his family too. So even though it broke my heart, I had to end it,” Daisy recollects the bad memories.

What men say

Laban Bizimungu, a 26-year-old accountant says that people do what they do for a reason.

“Some women are lonely and if she meets someone, then all the best to her. Everyone needs affection, if a lonely woman finds affection and love with a man who is say 27 and she is 40, it shouldn’t be a problem,” he says.

Charles Shyaka a 24-year-old student at University of Rwanda’s College of Business and Economics says that a glaring age difference in relationships can only bring about bad consequences.

According to him, being in a relationship with a much older woman would only be a waste of time since such women always have their own targets, like sexual satisfaction. He warns that such a woman is not searching for a soul mate and guys in such relationships are also after selfish interests.

“Some of these women are even married, with a busy husband; the woman ends up looking for someone younger with fewer commitments. Other women are simply unfortunate that at their old age, they are not married so they have certain needs, and they end up seducing young boys who are desperate for cash or any promises they may offer,” Shyaka says. 

Alex Kabera shares the same view, saying that dating older women is something that should be frowned upon by society. He calls it shameless because he wonders why a woman would be attracted to a boy fit to be her son in the first place.

“It is shameful to date a woman so much older than you; I wonder if men who go for these women don’t have eyes for girls their own age,” Kabera argues.

Women’s views

For 35-year-old Aline Iradukunda, dating a younger man is not in any way shameful. “First of all one cannot control how they feel, the heart wants what it wants. If it falls for a 21-year-old, so be it. I don’t see any problem with that. The sweetest thing about this is that a younger guy respects you more because he knows that you have more experience in life than he has,” she adds.

However, 24-year-old Maureen Katushabe is of the view that when a guy is younger, he might not be ready for a serious relationship, which means he might end up wasting your time.

‘His family may reject you which is embarrassing,” she says and advises women to have some pride and save themselves the humiliation.